...take my hand, and lead me through the fire...

After having been hounded for weeks, I'm finally updating. Bec, I hope you're happy.

Although I feel like I have semi-good reasons for not doing so. Past couple weeks I've kinda been on a small vacation from life, outside of work and the diner. I've been less than religious about answering my phone, or even keeping it charged; less religious about signing on AIM, or updating my status messages so people know I'm there. Aside from the standard cast of characters I regularly deal with, I haven't particularly cared to deal with anyone else.

Mostly because of the holiday season, and how stressful it can be. And partly, to a lesser degree, because I'm apparently being stalked. Anyone who waits the better part of an hour for someone to come off their lunch break (reports are varied as to whether said person is still in fact outside) is a fucking stalker.

I think something's wrong with me. Why do I need vacations from people? Well, i mean, duh. We all need vacations sometimes. Plus, the few people I really talk to know what's up and A) give me some space, or B) find a way to get in touch with me regardless. It is because of this that I don't mind hearing from them.

In this day and age, there are a hundred million ways to contact people. And when I cut myself off from two of them to regain a little sanity, everything's great. Until I sign back on to AIM, or turn my phone back on, and all of a sudden it's all barrages of IMs and voice mails talking about how I "never" pick up my phone. Most of the time, that's correct. I don't. Because I'm at work. Statistically, as far as the hours I'm awake go, there's almost never a time (that isn't past midnight) that I'm not at work, or asleep.

I think what bothers me the most is that individuals who cry foul at my lack of availability, for the most part, know my house phone number, know where I live and work, know all my email addresses, and have known those things for years. I feel like if talking to me is that important, then there are tons of ways to do it, rather than the two methods which offer the greatest convenience.

A collection of statements:

1) I need some fucking me time. Be it a day or a month, as it has been lately.
2) Just because I don't pick up my phone or return calls immediately doesn't mean I've forgotten you exist.
3) Aside from being anti-social, sometimes my phone just plain does not work.
4) If I'm that damn important to you, take some time to wonder why I don't want to be accessible.
5) I don't care how angry you get at me. Just going to make it worse.
6) Most importantly, the only things I have to talk about are bad. You don't want to hear them, and I don't want to say them.
7) Let me just be unhappy long enough to want to heal, because you can't fix it.


Things have not been good with me lately.

I can't pull sunny veneers out of thin air like I used to. I'm becoming increasingly less able to ignore the fact that no matter what I do, or what situations I'm in, solely I am in control of my life. And, on paper, where it's going doesn't look all that bad. But things take time, and until I can sate (or eliminate) my appetite for instant gratification, things are going to feel like they're snowballing downhill. And in that sad little miracle that is the 'mind over matter' principle, it all will.

Or, as I theorize, the weather starts to warm up and I spontaneously get happy again.

That said, on top of everything else, boys fucking suck.

(DB) out.

random collection of thoughts with no soundtrack

So, today, I don't have a random song lyric to set any sort of tone.

Although, tomorrow's my first real day off in, well, probably a week or so. Which isn't really that big of a deal. It just feels like one.

Random anonymous IM quote: "i feel so bad... i just jerked off with my mom in the other room."

That's not me talking. We all know I seriously don't care who's in the other room.

I need a haircut. My dad's been telling me for months, and I think I've run out of excuses. This, however, should get him off my back: "Need money."

Today I made a "Mellow Lunch Break" playlist, to diffuse the knots forming in my brain from helping, on average, four or five customers simultaneously. Some creative rearranging might turn it into a good sleepy time playlist.

Today's random I Hate Boys Moment: Don't ignore me for weeks and then invite me to your "xxx-mas party" out of the blue. I'm so glad I have to work that night.

I think I'm gonna see Bell tomorrow night, and i'll probably end up making dinner for her, to make up for an event that occurred last week. In brief: "Bell, I'm really sorry, it's 1:00am and I know it's a school night, but I'm out front of your house and I can hear you trying to call me back, so let me in."

I love you, Bell Unit.

Things I don't need to see when glancing at the TV: Baby snake, eating baby mouse. Like, hairless, eyes-still-closed baby mouse. Makes the world seem hopeless.

Things I don't mind seeing when glancing at the TV: People in Malaysia, being highly paid to kiss cobras on the head, as a fucking competitive sport.

I probably should stop watching the Discovery Channel so religiously on my nights off.

Maybe more to come later?

How do you keep an army marching?

Feed it. We are now awaiting pizza. I haven't got any real updating to do, I just feel like it was worth mentioning. More later, maybe?

(DB) out.

i pretend that you're already mine, and my heart is aching every time i look into your eyes

Normally I wouldn't write about this but I feel like I need to spit it out.

Last night i dreamt that someone I'm semi-close to was going through a really bad heroin addiction, which is why said person keeps falling off the face of the earth for days at a time.

Normally this wouldn't stick out in my head, but thinking of how entirely possible it could be that it's true, it makes me sick to my stomach. I've known people / heard of people who exhibit these exact behavior patterns, all for the same reason. And I don't know why, but it makes me worry my ass off.

Although, I could just be really screwed up in the head, inventing horrible reasons for someone not to be interested in me / pick up the damn phone when promised.

Why am I waiting around for something wonderful to happen? I should know the world doesn't work like that.

(DB) out.

"Feel the crush of my beef curtain!"

so, i was just listening to the The Mopod Show and they just talked about a woman who repeatedly called the cops, reporting she had a midget infestation in her house. And according to the show, the woman died of natural causes, and her son actually caught a midget in the kitchen. They'd been living under her house, coming up to the kitchen to steal food.

This is unimportant, but I feel like I should wax poetic about it. And, knowing who I work for, I should be the last person taking up in Microsoft's defense, but whatever. The Xbox 360 is a first-generation product. It's bound to have glitches. People should know this before rushing out to spend hundreds of dollars on one, not even knowing how well it's going to work.

So, I pose the following to America.

If you don't like it, return it. ENOUGH WITH THE CLASS ACTION LAWSUITS!

Seriously. We just got slammed with like eleventy billion lawsuits for iPod issues. And some of them, yes, better actions could've been taken. But come on. Nano scratches? It's going to scratch if you put it in your pocket with steel wool and glass shards, idiots. Even keys and change. Buy a case and get over it.

Now that I'm done with that... well, I don't know what to do with myself.

I wouldn't say this winter's been as depressing as winters usually are for me, I guess due to my efforts to remain comfortably busy. I work odd hours, and lots of them, and I guess that's alright with me. I feel like my interactions with friends have suffered, but it's not like they weren't suffering in the first place.

I've been kinda distracted from everything lately. Not in my typical "Ooh, something shiny!" form, but more along the lines of indecisive preoccupation. If anyone's read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, you might remember the fig tree story, and its significance. I'm somewhat in one of those situations now.

In synopsis: You can only choose one fig from the tree. They all look great. You spend so much time trying to decide which fig to pick, that they all rot and fall to the ground.

But this doesn't cover my situation completely. I spend a lot of time worrying about what to do, when I have no real need to. I know exactly how I'm going to react to any possible outcomes of the problem I'm encountering. I think I second-guess myself because the course of events is spread out over such a long period of time. So in summation, I say I don't know what to do, but i'm really just stressing because I don't know when I'm going to get the chance to do what I want.

Being confusing is fun sometimes.

(DB) out.

need more room to shout...

So I don't know why I chose that title for my entry. I was suffering from iPod ADD and decided to commit to a Lostprophets album. So I just typed the first lyric I heard. I guess that means I do know why I chose this title for my entry.

I promised a real update, and by god, I'll deliver. In some fashion or another. The past couple weeks have been a lot of the same shit, much of it taking place over several different days. Boy drama, parent drama, money drama. Sadly enough, I don't dread going to work, and I enjoy being there. At this rate I figure I'm about three years away from a mid-life crisis. I'm not even twenty yet.

Tonight's been one of my nights in. I've been out the last couple nights, not being too wild or crazy or anything, but today is one of the first days in awhile where I come home from work, eat like a fat girl, then watch TV until I get bored with it. It's the lazy gay man's bubble bath, Ben & Jerry's, and good cry over a Lifetime movie. Which isn't to say that I don't enjoy bubble baths. Or Ben & Jerry's.

Ever watch documentaries, and find yourself filled with warmth whenever the characters end up doing alright? It's like, you can finally let out that bated breath, when that white-on-black screen doesn't come right before the credits. It's a ballsy filmmaker that will make a real nail-biter out of some poor person's journeys through an especially shitty part of their lives, and then have the black screen, talking about the lack of a real happy ending. Despite on-screen appearances. "Little Johnny, despite winning his fight with cancer, was run over by a truck while walking his many adorable puppies."

Fucking filmmakers.

Although the documentaries I treated myself to this evening weren't like that at all. Camera crews followed four transgender college students around for a year. I've been catching the series piece by piece, usually only on nights like this, when I've got the TV to myself and no particular reason to wake up super-early. But tonight, I got to watch the last four episodes all at once, up to the conclusion. One of the four students had a less-than-glorious ending. Which are pretty good odds for a documentary, I guess. Not so bad considering that he (FTM) was from Cyprus and had to go back after school was done. Cyprus = not the most socially liberal of climes. Then, really, seeing that one coming shouldn't have taken any special insight.

I don't know just what it is, but I feel like every time it rolls over 3:00am, I start getting sleepy. And right now, my eyes are having quite the time staying open. And they're watering. So I think I'm going to bed.

BTW, if you don't know about Fox Pass, check my Myspace. Follow the butterfly.

(DB) out.