i'm not gonna make any friends this way...

In fact, that is a paraphrase from the kid sitting one table over from me, playing Magic: The Gathering. Probably describing the card he just played.

So I'm at school, waiting for class to start. Nothing has really been going on since last night, that I haven't talked about. I did forget to mention last night, however, how on Saturday I blew up my lawnmower and wrapped a toxic smoke cloud around my neighborhood. There was a Myspace bulletin with pictures. Go find it.

I'm trying to find some way to get my Halloween on tonight. So far, I don't know of anything that's going on. But I took off work tomorrow, in anticipation of getting at least a little crunk tonight. Please, people. Give me a place to put on a skirt and wear some heels. This reminds me, I somehow need to find a campy wig to complete my costume.

You know what'd be great? If the kids next to me complain about my selection of music. I guess one could raise the case that I'm being disruptive, what with not using my headphones or anything. But, I could raise the same case: "4 points mana! Festering plague bitches!" is not exactly what I'd consider a breakfast-time serenade.

I'd go make my Lean Cuisine, but I forgot to bring any cookware whatsoever. I don't think stuffing my face directly into a microwave dinner would do anything good to my skin, or my reputation. Who knows, maybe I'll just get that hungry.

"The radio is playing all the usual, and what's a wonderwall anyway?" Yay for mash-ups.

Anyway, it's approx. class time, so I'll write more later. Peace out biotches,

(DB) out.

crazy

This weekend has been absolutely insane. INSANE, I TELL YOU.

Friday- school. denny's. work. TGIFriday's. illness from spicy food. the end.

Saturday- slept a lot. went to a party with louise and dave, in full drag. It wasn't a costume party. And Dave and I were the only gay guys there. I got completely shit faced, went home, and threw up a lot. while unconscious.

Today- woke up in pool of own vomit. had to tell my mom the story. she laughed and handed me nail polish remover.

some pictures are up in the photo gallery.

and right now, i lack the motivation to say anything more. haha. bed soon. goodnight

don't look at me that way!

Coolest thing ever = thinking you have to work, then running late for work, e-mailing your boss to inform her of your lateness, only to have her tell you you're not scheduled for the day. Fast food, TV, and scratching myself, here I come!

crazy, crazy for feelin' so lonely...

Once again I start with songs I'm not listening to. Although Patsy Cline isn't exactly in my library, so I guess I'll have to do without for the time being. I mean there's always iTunes, but let's be honest. I don't need to be spending any more money.

Tonight, we didn't get out of work until about an hour and a half after we closed. It was one of our new managers' first times closing, and as I would imagine, it unfortunately takes some time to learn. That and we had a couple expensive items lifted today. Needless to say, it was not a good day at the store.

In other news, I heard from my parents again, and they did manage to get a slight amount of time in Bermuda. My mom said it was wonderful, which is fortunate. I'd have hated to see them spend all that money and brave a hurricane and then not be able to enjoy their destination.

Mike kidnapped me and took me to the pool hall tonight, which was pretty cool. We agreed to help clean up and take out the garbage at closing time in exchange for a little discount and after-hours privileges. Not like we stayed too late, because he has to get up and help his dad with work and I have work in the morning, which I totally didn't know about until I went in today. Believe you me, I wasn't pleased. Oh well, it's not like I'd have done anything other than sit home, eat fast food, and scratch myself. At least I'll be doing something productive. Then I have a dinner date with Jaime tomorrow night. We're dorks, because we're having a dinner date at Wegman's. I'm excited, because I hear Wegman's is the new Wal-Mart when it comes to food. That and they have brick oven pizza and a sushi bar. How could we say no?

I think on that note I'm going to bed, since I have to wake up in four hours. So yeah.

BTW- I'm sorry I wasn't online tonight, to anyone who may have wanted to talk to me. ;-)

(DB) out.

smile like you mean it...

I have no idea why I just titled this entry after a song I haven't listened to in probably over a month. Uh-oh, there I go. Now I'm listening to it.

Today, I went to Ikea, fake-shopping with Louise. Ikea is the kind of place that makes you wish you had tons of money. Not because of their prices, but because you want a big, super-modern apartment to furnish with all of their reasonably-priced and fashionable wares. I am an Ikea whore, and I'm proud of it.

Crap. My parents always tell me they don't want me smoking in my room because they're afraid I'll start a fire. And I just dropped my cigarette. No fire, no harm, no foul. But, I can hear my mom in my head, going "I told you so, hahaha, you'll shoot your eye out..." "The Christmas Story" anyone? Oh well.

Hot damn, Christmas is coming up, isn't it?

That reminds me of that time like three years ago, when my AIM profile / away message always contained a countdown, like "13 days until Xmas is fucking over." I hated Christmas so passionately, those years my parents decided to host it at my house. I think the best Christmas we ever had was the time my mom had surgery three days before, and we all just chilled at home and watched movies. It was really mellow, and really low-pressure, which is a break from Christmas tradition in my family. This past Christmas, I had to drink tons of egg nog to keep my Grandma's tactless anecdotes (that she doesn't mean to be funny) from forcing me into hysterics at the dinner table. I finally realized why Christmas was such a drunken holiday with my mom's side of the family.

Tomorrow, I have school and work. + I need to find some sort of public event to go to, such as a lecture or a performance, so I can write my speech paper on it. We didn't have class on Monday because we had the option of going to see Antigone at school, but I had to work, and I didn't know it was the final run of the show. I have until a week from Friday to write this paper, and something tells me I super-duper need to do a bang-up job on it.

On that note, I wish I had some sort of outlet to write more, or be more artistic in general. I miss going to Carver, sometimes, because no matter what was going on with outside life or other classes, we all had our own little projects that we were always sharing with each other, or polishing the day before coffee house, or hacking to pieces and reconstructing in our journals. If I can't get myself into a liberal arts school, then I want to create something of my own. Anybody like the idea of creating a group of otherwised bored, semi-uninspired artists, who get together to share their stuff and then go about their business? Poetry, photography, photo-essays, songs, paintings, drawings, whatever. I think it'd be a great idea to put something like that together.

Let me know if you're interested! Of course, I've probably already discussed something along these lines with all four people who read this. But tell your friends. Ask them what they think. Let me know!

I think, after that little bit of verbal diarrhea, I'm heading to bed. I have a big (but otherwise normal) day tomorrow.

(DB) out.

this is a liberating feeling

So, this past weekend, I've been so busy having fun that I haven't had time to write a blog entry. I know my obsession with fun sounds obnoxious, but from someone who generally only gets a tan in front of a computer screen, please, don't think too poorly of me for it.

The Bravery was awesome. Dave and I got drunk behind City Hall, not knowing that's where we were. He touched Sam Endicott (lead singer) and would not shut up about it. For hours. Then I got to hang out with Claire, which I don't do nearly enough. The hours at the show I spent burning off all the peppermint schnapps was for naught, because we ended up at a bar, where they didn't card people. I was irresponsibly drunk once again. We went to Denny's, and stayed for a while, and by the time the night was over, it was 5am. And I had to be up at 8:30 for work.

I'd never felt so miserable, and I'd never felt so alive.

Last night I went out to dinner with Tabby, and then we went to Dave's party. It was fun, but I had to leave after an hour because I got impatient and drank a ton of liquor before the already-stoned crowd decided to spark another blunt. So I was nearly sick, and got home at midnight. How insane is that? I had fun anyway.

BTW, Dave's a big whore and I have pictures to prove it, muhahahaha.

This morning, my parents decided they were going on their cruise, hurricane or not. So they left, and now I can have peace and quiet around here for a week. It's gonna be great, if not boring. I got to see Kay-star today, which is a rarety unless it's a Jewish holiday. That made me happy.

And so, all I have to look forward to is feeding my dog, and finding something entertaining to watch on TV. I wanna relax.

Unless someone calls me and asks what I'm doing, at which point I'll happily jump at the chance to go out, get crunk, and let the good times roll once again.

I was watching TV earlier and saw this girl Alison that I went to high school with, telling Mo Rocca that she can smell hot dogs from a half-mile away. Out of context it sounds really random, but it was in a sequence of him asking people really awkward questions, and she handled it just like she would any other question. It was cool and even though we wouldn't exactly be considered friends it made me happy to see it.

Oh no... the Myspace servers are going down.. Guess I'll soon start clawing at the invisible bugs all over my skin, fiendishly accosting passers-by, in the name of getting a fix.

You think I'm kidding.

(DB) out.

fun with balls

Tonight I went to the pool hall for the first time in probably a hundred million years. It was good times. And Mike got his license. When the hell did this happen?

I really wanna get this song recorded, because even though it's simple, I think I could end up making it sound really cool. That and surprisingly, the built-in mic on the iBook records things rather well. I'd like to get a real mic, though, or something.

Today was far less antisocial and more productive than any day I've had lately, so I feel good about that. + The Bravery tomorrow night. Bottom line: work on Saturday morning is going to be a huge, terrible bitch, given the fact that I might stick around Sonar after the show and get my club on. And then party on Saturday night.

I am such a fat girl. I ate a bowl of soup and two hot pockets not three hours ago, and I'm hungry again. It's probably because I'm bored. Sigh.. and I have another five loads of laundry to do. Maybe I'll do that, and not be bored, and then I won't eat. (Or maybe I'll eat every other set of pants I try to fold.)

Speaking of bored, I spent an hour today trying to sort out how to make custom Myspace styles not screw up my profile. I wasn't all that successful, but I was better off than when I tried the other night. If anybody knows CSS, please let me know. Not like anybody ever reads this thing.

So, the question of the day is, how does one lose weight when all one eats is microwaveable, processed horse shit? And it's not that one eats M.P.H.S. by choice, because one only has access to a microwave at work, and never has any time to prepare healthy food. And one is at work, all the time. Usually uses Myspace and cigarettes to suppress appetite.

after a nice, short night of sleep

I don't know what my plan is for today. I think I'm missing Soc, because I'm fairly caught up in that class and all we do is talk. I'd rather have an egg sandwich than starve through our daily and customary debates. Then there's Stat... that should be fun. I need to finish this thing I'm writing for Speech. It's supposed to be a recollection of a memory, one in which we can recall a strong emotional response, whatever that may be.

Mine's about how I finally accepted I was gay, and even after the fact, I still feel ashamed of myself sometimes when in a room full of straight people. It's almost November and I have yet to mutter the word "homosexual" to anyone in the class other than the teacher, because I guess I'm afraid to. Maybe they already know, maybe they don't, but why am I so afraid to be who I am? Why do the kids (and I do mean kids) in my class scare me? I've been through far more emotional hell from the people I'm closest to than anyone hearing the speech can throw at me. So, in that case, fuck them, I'm being who I want to be.

Maybe one day, I'll have gotten it all out to the point that I don't have to continually play the "I'm young, and gay, and misunderstood" card to get inspiration for class assignments.

BRAVERY TONIGHT!!!!!

(DB) out.

embarassing.

Okay. So I woke up this morning and my bedroom door was open. I didn't leave it open last night. Chances are, somebody walked in and found me sleeping, with a tube sock in the most inappropriate of places. That makes me wanna fart.

All I did was work last night. I don't remember doing anything else, except DLing a few Postal Service songs and having them not play right. Oh, and I spent a few hours listening to Louise make fun of me. I'm pretty used to that at this point, I think it's more funny than it is like... hurtful, or mean. But yeah, definitely funny. See the adventures of Mr. Heartbreaker and Super Footwear Girl here.

BTW, when I said I woke up this morning, I lied. I woke up at 1:15. hah. My mom told me to clean the bathroom. I have to somehow fit that in with doing a hundred or so loads of laundry, because we all know I'm running out of outfit choices. Sad part is, Brad used to do my laundry, and it's been a month, and only now am I starting to run out of stuff that is A) clean, or B) doesn't stink. So, I need to remember how to work a washer and a dryer, and if I look at it the right way, I can delude myself into feeling really good about it. "It's not a chore, it's an assertion of my independence!" (yeahok)

So, when I did wake up this afternoon, there was an IM on my phone from some random guy. I got online and IMed him back and he forgot he IMed me in the first place.

I have a message for any Random Guys who want to IM me. I'm not interested in hooking up with you. That and, if you want to talk to me, please like... actually want to talk to me, instead of sending out IM blasts to every guy you can find and then seeing who writes back.

That and, Myspace Friend Whores, don't even bother.

Well, all I really had to say was about the tube sock and the friend whores. I guess I'll write more later when I have something interesting to say.

(DB) out.

hope for the future

I once asked myself the question, "If you could go back in time and tell your past self one sentence that might have made your future easier, what would it be?" My answer to that was, "Self, you'll start missing college classes because you were busy fixing your hair, so stop living a lie and make things easier for everyone."

I'm sitting in front of the cafe, waiting for my next class to start. Dave called me butt crack early asking for a ride to school, but I somehow didn't hear the phone ringing and realized it a half hour later. I feel bad, but what happens while I'm asleep is not my responsibility.

I was up really last last night looking over old photos and blog entries. I didn't know I had a blog before my last one. It was staggering to read how many of my posts were composed mainly of bitching and ranting about my parents. Or talking about girls. Hah. But of course there were a few nice little gems, so now, for your reading pleasure, some notable quotes from the past.

"i danced around like a horny ostrich in my underwear. i humped people, and cars. it was sexy."

"i have a friend in need, and im gonna be up that way picking up my tree frog from pam's anyway, so if i have to throw my pentagram in the glovebox and leave my goat's blood in the cupholder, it'll only be to swoop in, pick amma up, and bounce the hell out. god knows chilling in a Xian summer camp is gonna make me thirsty. mmm... goatalicious."

"ah, the zen of consumerism."

"Nobody wants to love 'America the Beautiful.' Seemingly it's a lot more convenient to love 'America the Victim.'"

"amma 'popped a squat' on a tree, and shelby mounted a tombstone and screamed "hail satan and his epileptic monkey." i sat there eating my chicken, wondering when the dead were gonna pop up and tell us to be gone."

in v1no veritas: okay, this is gross but innocent
in v1no veritas: you know the feeling where youve got like snot caught between the back of your nose and your mouth and you really want to spit but you can't
in v1no veritas: and then you suck and suck and it finally comes out of your nose so you can spit the godforsaken thing out?
LauroraMoonStar: hahaha
in v1no veritas: i LOVE that

"i'm getting quite tired of walking into biology and being told what invertebrate dissection is on the slate for the day. i wish we could go a few class periods without being surprised with a new stinky-ass animal to tear apart."

"By the end of my speech, you'll know more about the domestication of these delicious birds..." ~matt s.

"maybe ill go down earlier, and take the movies. or, rather, the one of the two that a guy can securely watch with other male friends... freaky friday, of course! ... yeah, no."

"one last thing: know it and know it well. these are the rules for my car.

1) wear your god damn seat belt.

2) dont be changing my radio! unless you ask, thats interfering with my driving mojo and people have been shot for less.

3) specify where the fuck you want to go!

4) im not transporting your booze in my car. unless im drinking it.

5) im not gonna drive anywhere if ive drank or smoked anything, so dont ask. ***sadly, this is the only thing that's really changed, only because of convenience factors.***

6) my window buttons dont work. fact of life.

7) im driving as fast as i can, okay? if you paid as much as i do for insurance youd understand why i cant take too many risks. ***This has kinda changed... usually these days, people are telling me to slow down.***

8) i am the only person allowed to put any new burns in my seats.

9) if you dont like the music you only get one complaint before you become annoying.

10) if you are forbidden to ride shotgun, theres a reason. take some time to think about what you've done."

this part added a few hours later
So in summation, if I could travel back in time and talk to myself, I'd also add, "Self, you're not going to change all that much over the next few years. Stop sweating the small stuff, because sadly, none of that's going away."

That and, I just checked my email and got one from my weight training teacher, saying she was sorry the class wasn't working out for me this semester. She also told me to switch it to audit, or withdraw, before the failing grade ends up on my transcripts. Looks like I owe Hopkins money now. Also looks like I might not ever be able to get my tuition grant again. My parents are probably going to kill me, and this could severely impede my college career in the future.

Oh well. As much as all the blood just drained from my extremities, and as much as I wanna freak out and get all nervous and drama-queeny, I'm not going to. Life will go on somehow.

(DB) out.

internet radio sucks.

Yes, indeed, I'm perusing the iTunes radio stations because my library is getting really, really beat these days. And I've found that all there is to do, with a thousand channels to pick from, is switch the station every five minutes when a crap song comes on.

So, today was: wake up, get ready for work, go to work, eat Hot Pockets and check Myspace, finish last half of work, to come home and check Myspace. And, you know, talk to people about important and profound things.

I've come to the following conclusion: regardless of how I feel about the circumstances of my life, there are a few basic facts. I am 19. I am young, in school, and working for pretty decent money. I feel like there's a whole lot more fun to be had than spending most of my free time on the computer, talking to people who go out and have fun. Not to say that there isn't a time and place for that, but most definitely not Friday or Saturday nights, which has been the mode of things lately.

Most of Baltimore is a violent, drug-infested shit hole. Which translates to, Baltimore has a huge night scene and there's definitely got to be something out there for me. I really wanna find it, because I'm tired of wishing that I could find it.

Random, unrelated resolution: I'm never taking 8am classes again. All classes are to take place after 10. At the very earliest. Although knowing myself, I'd just stay up later, sleep in longer, and miss them anyway.

It's been hours, and I still have yet to pick another radio station, that's actually playing good music. I should stick to making my own. (Or maybe give an Idle Vie CD a listen, since everyone else around here swears by them.)

These next few days are actually looking like they're going to be busy, and there might be time for social interaction sometime in there. I don't think I've had conflicting plans for a Saturday night in probably over a year. It's almost invigorating.

Somebody, tell me if you notice the following pattern: in the fall, everything starts to get more exciting, somehow. Maybe it's because it's colder and darker, and people tend to band together for warmth, figuratively and literally. I seem to remember every year being like that, in one way or another. I know "exciting" is a typical summer feeling, but my theory is, in the fall, everyone you're around and everything you do is somehow more meaningful. With or without the drugs and alcohol.

So I'm off to like.. vegetate, then fall asleep, then wake up, and repeat everything all over again. peace

(DB) out.

i wanted "anti-space.blogspot.com," but it was taken.

Okay. So it's been since may that I've posted anything in any of my blogs. There have been reasons. The biggest one, which I think you are all familiar with, is MySpace.

MySpace, as defined by about 70 people on UrbanDictionary.com, is digital crack, digital heroin, an e-drug, or something along those lines. It takes over your higher brain functions, and can make you lose track of hours at a time. You scramble to somewhere with an open computer or a wi-fi signal, just to get your fix. And the worst part is, it's completely and totally legal.

So, I've decided (probably in vain) to start writing a blog again, because MySpace takes up way too much of my time. I find myself checking my profile at work, probably two to three times a shift. Just because there's nothing else to do. I plan my lunch breaks so there's enough room for food, and the ibook, so I can check my profile. It's absolutely disgusting. lol.

It's gotten to the point that I'm actually developing some sort of ability with Photoshop, just because I spend so much time editing MySpace pictures.

In the interest of saving time, if any of you read my last blog, it left off with things much, much different than they are now. In very few words:

> My job at Books-a-Million is no more. I up and quit that place about a month after the last time I blogged, which was like.. late May.

> I spent the summer doing absolutely nothing. Brad and I lived it up very cheaply, and took many small vacations. i.e., Jersey, Deep Creek, Ocean City, Philly, and Rehoboth, to name the notables.

> After a summer of scrounging and unemployment, I landed a job at the Apple Store, and I couldn't be happier.

> I'm going to CCBC/University of Rossville Blvd./Perry Hall Univ. again. I still hate going to school but it beats working full-time.

> Brad and I broke up about a month ago. Everyone seems to have several distinct sets of feelings about that, so I'll leave it alone.

> I'm finally re-learning how to play guitar. I wrote a song the other night, the first I've written since probably sometime last year. I want to be an artist, still, and usually, every time I get to the point where I'm in touch with that again, I start blogging.

> The Buick still survives, and is still in fact rockin.

Other than all that, not too much else has been going on. I've been kinda down about life lately, and I realize I have absolutely no reason to. Besides the fact that I'm a total tool for a virtual network of people that I usually talk to more in real life anyway. And the ones I don't talk to in real life have profile pics with no shirts on, and make me think I'm destined to die sad, fat, and alone. When really, I'll just die without having contracted myspaceherpes, which most of these guys are probably unwittingly spreading to each other.

Sad part is, this already had a definition on UrbanDictionary. I sent in a new one, just for poo-poos and ha-has.
So yeah. MySpace = the devil. Me = destined for obesity and solitude. Hand me the Bon-Bons and shut the door on the way out. (hah)

(DB) out.