...take my hand, and lead me through the fire...

After having been hounded for weeks, I'm finally updating. Bec, I hope you're happy.

Although I feel like I have semi-good reasons for not doing so. Past couple weeks I've kinda been on a small vacation from life, outside of work and the diner. I've been less than religious about answering my phone, or even keeping it charged; less religious about signing on AIM, or updating my status messages so people know I'm there. Aside from the standard cast of characters I regularly deal with, I haven't particularly cared to deal with anyone else.

Mostly because of the holiday season, and how stressful it can be. And partly, to a lesser degree, because I'm apparently being stalked. Anyone who waits the better part of an hour for someone to come off their lunch break (reports are varied as to whether said person is still in fact outside) is a fucking stalker.

I think something's wrong with me. Why do I need vacations from people? Well, i mean, duh. We all need vacations sometimes. Plus, the few people I really talk to know what's up and A) give me some space, or B) find a way to get in touch with me regardless. It is because of this that I don't mind hearing from them.

In this day and age, there are a hundred million ways to contact people. And when I cut myself off from two of them to regain a little sanity, everything's great. Until I sign back on to AIM, or turn my phone back on, and all of a sudden it's all barrages of IMs and voice mails talking about how I "never" pick up my phone. Most of the time, that's correct. I don't. Because I'm at work. Statistically, as far as the hours I'm awake go, there's almost never a time (that isn't past midnight) that I'm not at work, or asleep.

I think what bothers me the most is that individuals who cry foul at my lack of availability, for the most part, know my house phone number, know where I live and work, know all my email addresses, and have known those things for years. I feel like if talking to me is that important, then there are tons of ways to do it, rather than the two methods which offer the greatest convenience.

A collection of statements:

1) I need some fucking me time. Be it a day or a month, as it has been lately.
2) Just because I don't pick up my phone or return calls immediately doesn't mean I've forgotten you exist.
3) Aside from being anti-social, sometimes my phone just plain does not work.
4) If I'm that damn important to you, take some time to wonder why I don't want to be accessible.
5) I don't care how angry you get at me. Just going to make it worse.
6) Most importantly, the only things I have to talk about are bad. You don't want to hear them, and I don't want to say them.
7) Let me just be unhappy long enough to want to heal, because you can't fix it.


Things have not been good with me lately.

I can't pull sunny veneers out of thin air like I used to. I'm becoming increasingly less able to ignore the fact that no matter what I do, or what situations I'm in, solely I am in control of my life. And, on paper, where it's going doesn't look all that bad. But things take time, and until I can sate (or eliminate) my appetite for instant gratification, things are going to feel like they're snowballing downhill. And in that sad little miracle that is the 'mind over matter' principle, it all will.

Or, as I theorize, the weather starts to warm up and I spontaneously get happy again.

That said, on top of everything else, boys fucking suck.

(DB) out.