"it's hardly what I'd be doing if you gave me a choice"

This year, I will:

attempt to find an apartment
start saving some damn money
lose at least ten pounds, for the love of god.
stop being such an insomniac.


Secret: I've been trying to put together this post for the past few days. I just haven't got around to finishing it.

2005, wow... its passing feels just like 2004's, emotionally anyway, almost like the entire year never happened. I guess that's one of the safe and good things about ringing in the new year with the same people, it adds a sense of longevity to your relationship. Nostalgia blooms and ill feelings seem to disappear. I mean, for God's sake, I've been friends with Jacque for ten years. Percentage-wise, that's 50% of my life. And each yeah, it becomes a smaller percentage, but a longer time. (sorry about the redundancy there.)

Plus, who wants to waste their last and first memories of a year to end or start with a group of people that sucks, or means nothing? I'm a firm believer in keeping that annual moment mellow and comfortable, not drunk, in tight clothes, surrounded by strangers.

I guess this is because I've never gone through with my trips to TImes Square that I try to plan, year after year.

Things that have changed: A year ago, I was fresh out of Penney's. I was also fresh out of a failed semester at school. I'd also just come all the way out of the closet, only a matter of months prior. I felt like, "okay, I'm going to work full time, and I'm going to deal with it, and I'm going to be young and liberated and have tons of disposable income." And to a degree, that held true. Between bills, taxes, and tickets, I don't think I've ever had that much disposable income. I met Brad and had a long (for me) and meaningful relationship. I quit a miserable job, scrounged by for months, then landed my dream job.

Last year, I walked more paths than I think I ever have before, at least consecutively. 9-to-5, vagrant, part-time retail, college, slacker, nobody, somebody, loved, hated, desired, ignored, practically married, alone, bitterly unsatisfied, and smugly accomplished. And to tie in with something I think I mentioned in a previous post, I'm responsible for all of it. I'm the one behind the wheel.

I guess that's why it's all been hard to take lately. I could be anything I want to be. It's just a matter of how well I like where I land myself.

I've also found home is where you make it.

Tonight, I sat at the diner with Devlin and Adam, and we waxed poetic about all sorts of things. Of the hundred million topics we broached, one stuck with me. If you take all the things I demonstrate an inherent talent for, and then make a list of the things that I know inside and out, they're dramatically imbalanced. I'm half-assedly experienced in everything I can do. Music, writing, photography, cars, philosophy, politics, thinking, feeling. Some people have lives that would read like an encyclopedia entry. Revolving mostly around one topic and one theme, but very detailed and thorough. I feel like the "Quick Reference" guide in the back. I could talk intelligently about nearly anything, but often, only superficially.

I want to feel better than that. I want to feel like the sum of my parts would amount to something greater than they are. I think I could get to that by trying to ditch my ever-lasting fear of confrontation, and filling its place with a little persistence.

I just climbed in bed, because it's getting late, and I'm getting tired. And I had no concept of how comfortable I'd get. I feel like I had a good day, like I ran my brain at its full capacity for a significant enough amount of time. So I think I'm going to get some sleep. Peace out, yall.

(DB) out.