i struggle for the words, and then give up

Something about this vacation seems awry.

It hasn't started, nor is it going to. Finances aren't going to permit it to. Which I knew when the Buick started to blow up, though I hoped I'd forgotten about some cache of money somewhere, or that maybe some of my financial deadlines would postpone themselves.

But given the state of affairs at home lately, the idea of having four days off work seems more nightmarish than the thought of never having a day off work again for the next four months. At least at work, everything I do has a sense of purpose. When I come home, all I want is to not need a sense of purpose.

My house is ripe with people intent on shoving purpose right down my fucking throat.

A couple nights ago, a series of poorly thought out comments from my father catalyzed this hatred I have of being here, this feeling of being a fugitive in my own home. Not that I particularly want to have to call this my home, but you know. When you have no money and everything you own starts to break, the empty space in your life once known as your savings account starts to fill with nasty, unpleasant feelings. And monthly maintenance fees that at one time didn't look like a big deal.

I don't know why I do this all the time. When the going gets rough, I detach myself from everyone that I possibly can. With those few people who force themselves into the isolated spaces I make for myself, I lose my patience almost instantly.

Okay, so now a couple of hours have passed since I started typing this entry, and I feel like my mood has shifted. Probably because my mom has gone to bed, and I've had a bit of much-coveted peace and quiet. One gripe, though: It seems Comcast has caught up with my OnDemand bingeing, and froze my box's IP address for the month. It's probably for the best, because before I know it, I'll be signing the deed to my firstborn over to my parents over this month's bill.

Tomorrow, Bec and I will be fabulous out on the town, with no money. Tonight, I will listen to music on my good headphones, and try to go to sleep happy. Cheers.

(DB) out.