commercial theme songs

I don't know why, but the Lamisil commercial music is stuck in my damn head. I don't have foot fungus, but I'd definitely check them out if I did. Maybe because I watch TV too ritualistically. I don't watch it often, but I catch ST:DS9 at the same time every day, so I see the exact same commercials.

I'll tell you, I'd call AIG just to have them laugh at me, then demand videos of Bill eating that live squid.

Not much has gone on. My life is completely dry. I might go to the beach in a couple weeks, but my parents are likely going to yell at me and proclaim that since I owe them so much money, I can't afford it. And, they're right. Doesn't mean I can't hope for a vacation though.

I don't know. These past couple days I've felt like the weather- sticky, monotonous, and occasionally overcast. Lately, my time's been spent in the same routine, doing the same things with the same people, under the same conditions. I accept that, because this routine is key to attaining success in the future. I don't like, though, how it's changing me as a person.

My biological clock is in sync with my schedule, which is weird enough. I'm not used to going to sleep without fearing that I won't wake up in time.

The problem is, I feel like a machine. Everything working like clockwork: input, process, output, feedback. Go to school, digest knowledge, apply it to homework and tests, then think about how I did. Go to work, do some specializing, get paid, then spend all my money, thus necessitating a return to work. Go out with friends, contemplate a very limited set of activities, pick one and do it, then go home thinking about how we used to have a lot more fun. All the while, I have limited amounts of time to eat, and no money, and no good food to choose from, so I just starve starve starve eat a lot starve starve, etc. So my body's not firing on all cylinders, which is obviously bad. My mind's not too happy about it, either, because we all know how self-conscious I am about my weight, even though I rarely do anything about it.

Random IM Quote: Face it, biotch. I have more gravity than you. When you walk, you're moving towards something. When I walk, things are really just falling in my direction.

Yes, this is how "real life" works. Doesn't mean I have to like it. Aside from Saturday nights, on which I know that I don't have work or school the next day (and even then, I probably have housework to do), I don't ever really relax. I've got the constant knowledge that the next step of the cycle is looming on the horizon, and after it all comes to fruition, it resets and has to be done all over again. After spending this summer getting used to it, I don't like it at all, but I don't see myself as having any choice, really.

It's hard to associate the fun, unpredictable past with the virtually nonexistent shot at a good future. That is, though, how the cookie crumbles.

It's been commented that I don't seem as alive as I once did. And, the person who said that is right. I don't feel as alive as I once did. And when questioned about it, I immediately churned out a response to the tune of, "blah blah, irresponsible behavior got me where I was, blah blah I'm working towards my future, blah blah I regret the choices I made and I'm grateful that I now have a chance to do something about them."

Honestly, though: I don't regret a damn thing. I loved feeling alive, I loved feeling like I really didn't answer to anyone, and I loved feeling that, no matter how much of a disadvantage I put myself at, the world really was my oyster, because I was free to choose where I wanted to be.

Of course I'm free to choose. But, if my only viable choice for enjoying the rest of my life requires giving up most of what I enjoy now, am I really living, and am I really free?

How I would love to have my cake and eat it, too.

(DB) out.