my tires are spinning

Despite my best efforts to get my shit together sometimes, I always seem to fall short.

I think in this case I'm referring to keeping up on my blog. It seems like I always forget about it, at least when things are interesting. When things are eventful, I tend to keep my mouth shut, because I'm not done processing my reactions to events, and I'm afraid of saying something that might be misinterpreted, or interpreted perfectly and unfavorably received. But, hell with it.

This is what's been bothering me these past couple days, and a number of people know about this and a number of people might not. Those who need to know will be able to substitute in the correct proper nouns.

A close friend of mine is getting married in a couple weeks. She's packing up her stuff and moving somewhere far off. I know I shouldn't look to pop culture for wisdom, but somewhere in the Matrix trilogy, it was said that "you can never see past a choice you don't understand." And I could go on forever talking about how I disagree with her reasons for leaving so soon, but all it comes down to is, no matter how many times I run the facts through my head, I can't come up with a solid understanding of any of it. So, I choose to understand something far more simple.

I'm going to be losing contact with someone I've known since I was practically a child. I don't want her to go. And since I haven't fully come to terms with why she's leaving, I know that when she goes, it's going to be quite some time that I'll be worrying about her, wondering whether or she's okay, and moreover whether or not she's happy. It's not my place to tell her what to do, and it's really not even my place to be worrying. But such are the failures of human nature; our abilities to act as we think we should become impeded where the people we care about are concerned.

She wants me to help her pack sometime this week. And I'm afraid. The five-year-old inside says, "why should I help her pack up and leave me for reasons I disagree with?" After stifling that particular voice, I get a feeling that I can really only describe like this:

When you take your cell phone out of your pocket, and it's been on silent, and it says "One New Voice Message," and you're waiting to hear whether or not someone made it through surgery, or whether or not you got a job offer, or something equally important. You want to know, and you know you have to confront the situation, but you hesitate before you press the "Check Messages" button. If the moment of truth is going to change everything, you want to hold on to reality as you know it for just a little longer, even if it doesn't help anything in the long run.

I don't know how I'm going to be affected by watching one of my closest friends put her life into boxes, and take her leave of me. I don't know if I'm going to approach the situation with grace, or if I'm going to break down into a blubbering fool, or if neither of those will happen. We might end up spending the whole encounter laughing about little things, having lunch, and making fun of her old possessions, just like she wasn't leaving at all. Historically, neither of us have good track records avoiding elephants in the room when it comes to our feelings, and either of us finally pulled it off, I don't even know how I'd feel about that.

When all is said and done, I fear this change, but I don't want to avoid it. I just need to take that leap of faith.

In other news, there is really no other news. We had a snowstorm. Whoopee. I haven't worked much this week, and accordingly, I haven't had too much to do with myself. I need to get on the ball with waking up before my parents come home from work, because I feel like I could use a little therapeutic "me" time in front of the piano, which doesn't happen often when they're here. Too loud or something. Well, that and sometimes I'm self-conscious about music unless I know exactly how I want what I'm playing to sound. when I start to patch songs together out of nowhere, I don't like having other present during the creative process. Which may be something I should look at working on if I ever hope to be something other than a bad musician.

Right now, I'm rejoicing in the fact that I know how to type, and I don't have to look at the screen. I've got my head thrown back on my chair, I've got my headphones on, and an adequate knowledge of keyboard shortcuts. I don't even have to look up to change the song I'm listening to. Which feels good. Sometimes it's nice just to write. Which I should probably look at doing more of, if I ever hope to be anything other than a bad writer.

So, readers, I will now torture you with every single thought that runs through my head, because I haven't really got any other form of constructive outlet for them.

Either a cafe needs to open up right by my house, or I need to move somewhere with independently-owned coffee shops. I also need to get a new working laptop, so I'm not confined to my desk. I think I've handled this bad reed switch situation a lot better than I thought I would, but it's impacting my creativity. Sitting around in a room populated almost exclusively by laundry probably stifles more than it inspires.

I've been exchanging emails with someone over the past week or so, and I haven't received one today (this waking cycle, anyway) and it's thrown off my routine more than I thought it would. Granted it's just an email, and considering how not close I am to the person I've been talking to, I still wish I'd gotten one. Oh well, I suppose i leaves me something to look forward to the next couple of times I go to check my emails.

Speaking of waking cycles, why do I go to bed at 11:30 thinking that my body's going to let me get a normal night's sleep? Of course I then wake up at 2, and can't get to bed. I work at 5 today (tomorrow) and I know I have to fit in a nap somewhere between now and then.

Okay, wow, so I just looked up and realized how idiotically long this post has become. So now I'm going to take my leave of it. As practice, maybe.

(DB) out.