Requiem for a Dream

WARNING
The following post contains tons of bitterness, and probably, tons of idiocy.

Why do you get to keep me awake at night, when you've been out drinking and you've been asleep for hours?

Why is it that considering the fact that nothing I say to you is going to change you, and considering how you've acted in the past, plus considering my own thoughts, there's only a 0.06% chance of a mutually happy ending?

(Don't ask questions about how I got to that number. There's a method to the madness.)

And let's not even go into probability estimates as to whether or not you're going to call me and explain everything, as promised. The last time we'll speak most likely already happened.

And why is it, that in the face of those odds, I still retain hope? Why do you deserve any shred of optimism from me? What is it about you, and me, that makes me want to hold on so dearly?

Because despite my best attempts to dance around the word, I'm in love with you, and I desperately hope you just tell me what to go do with myself, because that'll be easier than wondering every waking moment whether or not you're a figment of my imagination.

What's there to wonder, you ask? I don't fall asleep thinking about someone who ignores me until it becomes convenient not to. I didn't make a mixtape for someone who I could envision using it as a coaster. Cell phone bills be damned. Even if you picked up the phone to tell me to fuck off and call you later, I'm sure you'd keep it under one billable minute.

If this is the person you are all the time, I'd rather hang on to the memories of the version of you who cared, file them under "We'll always have Paris," and get on with my life.

But as it stands, I don't know if I'll ever find out. Hah. Here I write this, probably... hmm... seven or eight hours before I masochistically attempt to call you and make sure we both understand what was said tonight, because even if you do, you've probably got no idea how to handle it.

And I don't care how much you say you want me in your life. If that's so goddamn true, start acting like it.

(DB) out.